Terri and Jess left Sara's and headed back to their camper. Not much was said between the two. Jesse was lost in that place that Terri couldn't reach. She would go inward; silently slip away, there but not really there. Terri had been trying to breach that wall all of their relationship, but just when she felt she had a foot hold or found a crack or crevice that she could penetrate; Jess would go deeper within herself. It wasn't that Jesse wanted to shut Terri out or that she was trying to hurt her in any way. This was what Jesse had to do when there was something that she could not fix in someway. Sara's cancer was something that she could not fix. Terri just had to hold on and ride it out. Though at times it seemed as if she were drowning in the wake of Jesse's self imposed imprisonment. Jess would go through the motions, and she could fool most everyone except Terri and Nell. They knew when she was in this hell, at times it took them both together to pull her from the brink of darkness. Terri was uneasy, unsure, wanting to keep Jesse from turning too far within, too far from her love and comfort. In an effort to head off the inevitable, she turned the golf cart toward the Lodge. Jesse was oblivious to the change of course. She had already begun the descent to the place to feel nothing. Terri parked the cart, the Lodge was rowdy and loud and just the place to pull Jesse back. She grabbed Jesse's hand and pulled her up the hewn deck steps and physically pushed her into the crowd. Jesse was walking, she talked and smiled to people, she was an expert at going through the motions. Terri went to the sound booth and grabbed Nell's arm. The music was almost deafening from the big crate amps, and Lindy was into a heavy rock song that had some audio instrumental backup. “I need you" Terri shouted above the bedlam. She pointed her head toward Jesse who was standing by the bar, surrounded by women laughing, but Jesse wasn't laughing. The blank stare meant she was digging deeper into that dark place and soon, very soon, she would shut down. Nell followed Terri back to the bar and between the two of them they got Jesse to a table and Terri ordered a double Jack, no coke. When Wendy brought the drink, Terri grabbed Jesse by the back of the head and brought the drink to her lips. "Come on Babe, drink it....drink it all." Jesse sputtered as the hot whiskey hit the back of her throat. She shook her head and pushed Terri's hand away. Nell got on the other side of her and held her tight. "Jesse, don't go there. We need you here. That is not your safe place anymore darlin.......we are......Terri is..... I am.....we are the safe place now." Jesse took a deep breath, she trembled, not because of the drink but because she was fighting this darkness within her. She took another shot of the whiskey, felt the hot jolt hit her like a hammer. She wasn't much of a drinker for all her boasting, normally a drink would last her most of the night. She already had two tumblers of Nell's White Russians and now a double shot of Jack. "Wadda tryin to do get me drunk?" she sputtered. “No baby gurl, we are trying to keep you from that awful place you go when you are hurting. Once you go there, you end up going back to see that fucking shrink that wants you to be the nice conservative straight woman she wants you to be instead of the very sweet lesbian you are." Nell said softly as she held Jesse close. “Unfortunately, Helen is the only shrink that our insurance covers." Jesse pointed out dryly. “I know, I am working on that one, the insurance plan we have only has her as a provider in this area. But that is not something that we can fix tonite." Nell grabbed Jesse's chin and pulled her around to look directly into her eyes. "You didn't fail Sara, Jess. You didn't cause the cancer to come back. This happened because cancer is a fucking killing machine and it does not care who it takes from us. Do you understand me?" Nell shook Jesse face. "If Sara knew that you were going down this pathway, she would be the first to kick your ass. You know that you have to fight this darkness, this place you go inside where we can't reach you. You better fuckin fight it; you would expect Sara, Terri or Me to fight. Now you listen and listen to me good. I will personally kick your ass every minute you spend in that dark place. You need to be here. You need to fight this thing." Jesse looked at them both. She knew they were tag teaming her. But she also knew that if she slipped away, it was harder and harder to find her way back. It wasn’t a depression, people who are depressed do not function, and they just go off into a corner and withdrawal. This was something different. It was the place she went when the abuse started so many years ago. Before she had come out, before she had met Terri. So in her eyes and mind it was a refuge, but to the women that loved her, it was a descent into hell. Jesse clawed her mind back from the brink of the pit, back toward the reality of Terri and Nell. Forcing the demons inside her mind to scream at their defeat, she turned away from that place, she fought an unseen battle behind those bright blue eyes. Her mind wanted to feel the numbness of the dark place, not to feel the ravaged emotions of pain, of grief, of loving and watching a dear beloved friend die. Nell could see the struggle; Terri could feel her partner being torn between the reality of Sara's cancer and inability to do anything to stand in its way. She held tightly to Jesse's hand. Because if Jesse slipped back toward that darkness it meant that she was slipping away from her. With a deep ragged sigh Jesse closed her eyes for a moment and then looked back to the two women and a small smile trembled on her lips. There were tears in her eyes. "You know that Helen would not condone ass kicking as appropriate therapy." Jesse pointed out to the two women sitting next two her. “Yeah well Helen uses you as a experiment Jess. She encourages you to go to that fucking place, so you can be dependent on her and her alone. That leaves us out and her in. Then she tries to re-program you to be straight, not the beautiful lesbian you are. God I hate that bitch!" Terri growled angrily. “Trust me, Terri, she knows that." Jesse smiled at her partner. “Guess the next time I see her, I'll tell her about the new therapy that works better than the sessions I have had with her. Jack Daniels and Ass kicking." Jesse hiccuped softly . It was then that both Nell and Terri relaxed and knew that they had been successful. “Trust me Darlin', the sessions with that particular Therapist are coming to an end right after I get done with the insurance company." Nell drawled. “Although your methods..... are unorthodox....... they are effective." Jesse pointed out. "Because I am now…. a very drunk lesbian." "Better drunk than in that dark place" Terri hugged Jesse tightly. “I know.....I know...." Jesse smiled wearily. “Now scuse me while I go puke my guts up" Jesse stood up unsteadily on her feet. Terri jumped up and steered her toward the bathrooms. They were lucky enough to just barely make it before the Kaluha and Jack battled their way from the confines of Jesse's stomach. After heaving up the contents of Terri and Nell's therapy, Jesse washed her face in the sink and looked up into the mirror. The image looking back looked drained and haunted, then it faded and she saw herself, the blue eyes that danced when she laughed, and the smile that always hovered at the corners of her mouth. She brushed back the light brown hair from her sweaty brow. Then for just a split second the mirror went totally black and the small child beckoned to her with that pleading haunted look. Jesse closed her eyes and opened them; the mirror was once again showing the true reflection of her. Jesse put a hand on the mirror and Terri was quickly by her side and holding on to her as Jesse swayed a bit precariously. The bathroom was beginning to fill with women laughing, talking and the party outside in the Lodge was reverberating in the bathroom. Jesse stumbled out and Terri was not far behind. They made it back to the table where both Nell and Kim sat. Jess grabbed the table as she sat down hard on the chair. She raised her hand to Wendy as she passed by, but Terri was way ahead of her. She intercepted Wendy and placed an order for a tall coke, lots of ice. She turned back toward the table; both Nell and Kim had fresh drinks, so she picked up a 7 and 7 for herself and headed back to the table. The jukebox was blaring; Lindy was between sets and on a break. She made her way to the table where they were sitting and sat down in the only empty chair beside Jesse. She draped her long arm across Jesse's shoulder and picked up the drink she had in front of her and took a healthy swig. Jesse smiled when Lindy realized it was just coke. Terri looked at Jesse and the arm draped so casually around her shoulders and tensed up. “Jesse baby, you need more than coke....." Lindy chuckled seductively. “How bout you let me order you something a little more special. After all I like my women loosened up properly before I make my move" she kissed the air between her and Jesse. Terri started to rise up, scraping her chair back; Nell grabbed her arm and pulled her back in her seat. The movement was not lost on Lindy and she pushed the situation a little more. She snuggled closer to Jesse and said “Why don't we go back to the control booth and see how uncontrollable I can make you." Jesse was smiling a cold and distant smile and she looked into Lindy's loveless blue eyes and said in a very quiet controlled voice. “I don't sleep with snakes Lindy.....its that whole cold blooded, scaly, shedding of the skin thing that turns me off....." Lindy's eyes widened as she realized the rise she was trying to provoke from sweet little Jesse was a little more than she bargained for. Terri just beamed in admiration and Nell out right laughed. Kim was the only one that was clueless. Lindy removed her arm from Jesse's shoulder and looked perplexed to say the least as she stood up and nodded toward Jesse. "Touché" she saluted as she walked to the bar. Click On The River To Continue To Chapter 32 © Labinky Park 2008 Labinky Enterprises 2008 A Donation Button Has Been Added To Help Labinky Park Continue To Grow! We Thank You For Your Support! Leave A Comment Sign Guest Book See Slide Show See Progression of Labinky Park Painting By D. Stone |
Chapter 31
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